My husband Tommaso has never wanted to go to the mountains in the summer. While in wintertime we enjoy the Dolomites for snowboarding, whenever I suggest going back in the hot months he says non mi piace la montagna d’estate – I don’t like the mountains in the summer. Here are the many reasons the mountains just suck in the summer, according to him.
1) It’s for old people
Yeah, because 80 year olds with canes can hike up this high.
2) It’s not really much cooler than the city
I am not cold at all, I am just wearing an orange down-stuffed jacket to avoid getting shot by a stray bullet.
3) But in the summer I want to be near water
Yeah, cuz there are no lakes at 1000 meters, no streams and no waterfalls in the mountains. And if there are, they’re ugly.
4) The food sucks
Apparently, there’s no good food in the area, and what they do have, they don’t know how to display properly.
5) I have nothing to wear
But honey, you can wear your nice hipster plaid shirt from COS, those fashionable shorts you just bought, and your hiking boots. You’ll look the part.
6) But I can’t bring my dog
OK, we don’t have a dog, but if we did, the dog would have a blast. Maybe we should rent one.
7) There’s nothing to do
Apparently there is a huge dearth of sports and other activities in the Dolomites, due to the prevalently elderly population mentioned above.
8) There’s nothing interesting to look at
Everything is just the same boring landscape.
9) The milk is not really that fresh
Yeah, there are no cows eating all that yummy mountain grass.
10) The hiking paths are too challenging
We met a three year old on the hiking path who did it faster than we did.
11) I like fish in the summer
Yeah, cuz there are no fish in the mountain streams and lakes. And they don’t import anything from the rest of Italy. Nor do they know how to cook it at luxury hotels like Hotel Armentarola.
Next summer, he doesn’t want to go back. Nope, not at all.
[When the same pictures tell a different story…]